Principle first
Tribe /tryb/ noun.
A group of people, often from related families, who live together, sharing the same language, culture, and history, especially those who do not live in towns or cities. (Cambridge Dictionary)
“A group of people connected to each other, a leader, and an idea.”
– Seth Godin, Tribes.
Early humans were hunter-gatherers, forming small tribes that collaborated for the group’s survival.
They shared deep knowledge of their local areas—where to find food, water, shelter, and where dangers lurked. This “tribal knowledge” enabled them to thrive and was shared within the tribe.
Within the tribe, they collaborated; outside the tribe, they competed.
About 70,000 years ago, the cognitive revolution began, marked by the birth of language. Since then, humans have formed groups around shared stories and shared values.
Belief in these shared stories and values determined who was “in” and who was “out” of the tribe.
This still holds true today.
We have a deep need to feel that we belong to a tribe.
You want your team to feel like a tribe—a unit that competes not against each other, but together, in service of a shared goal.
A high performing team is an elite group. People will want to feel they are on the inside of it, not the outside.
Here’s a simple framework to illustrate this concept:
🧠Framework: Fitting In, Belonging, and Connection
Brené Brown draws the following distinction in her 2021 book Atlas of the Heart:
“Fitting in is being somewhere you want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.
Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you to be there.”
– Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart. p. 162
Here’s my extension of this concept:
The bridge between fitting in and belonging is connection.
Building connection within your team must be intentional.
I helped develop an onboarding boot camp that has accelerated connection for 500 new hires to date. It is designed to accelerate connection to the company’s culture, community, and mission and has operated continuously for the last 4.5 years.
Remember:
- Fitting In is being somewhere you want to be, like a party or a job, but nobody really cares that you’re there.
- Belonging is being in that same place, but others are glad you’re there.
Today’s Story: A Child from Fitting in to Belonging
I first tested this concept intentionally in March 2022.
I’ve recreated the results in dozens of situations since.
My oldest daughter was invited to a classmate’s sixth birthday party at the local community center’s indoor basketball court.
The guests were all classmates, they had known each other since school started 7 months before. Within five minutes of the party starting there were balls flying, hula hoops twirling, and dancing all at once. The excited chaos of childhood!
Looking back at photos, I am reminded that even my not-yet-three-year-old, who’d been cooped up for 2 years during COVID, shouting, “I’m really part of the crew!”
She, too, felt a sense of belonging—a part of the tribe in pure, joyful play.
Then another classmate, I’ll call her N, arrived a little late.
She knew everyone as well as anyone else, but she hadn’t yet connected with anyone at the party. Everyone else was too busy playing to notice her.
I watched her, standing outside the group, unsure of how to enter the play. She looked hesitant, tentative, sad.
She looked outside.
She was there, but she only fitted in.
She felt no sense of belonging.
I found my daughter and said, “Go and welcome N to the party.”
My daughter walked over to the new arrival. They exchanged these little waves and smiles. Then my daughter took her hand and something changed.
The little girl started to have fun. She was laughing and dancing seconds after taking my daughter’s hand. This invitation formed a connection. And the connection formed a bridge allowing N to cross from merely fitting in (being present but feeling alone) to belonging (being there and knowing others are glad she’s there).
I’ve repeated this approach many times. It works every time.
If your kid is the last one to the party and it crying or tentative – just go find one of their friends and point out your child is there and ask if they’ll take your child’s hand.
It works with adults too
Kids are just like adults, except they haven’t learned to hide their emotions.
We’ve all felt this:
You have probably arrived solo at a wedding or party. Or you’ve been the first to arrive at the coffee shop. Maybe you felt a subtle discomfort in being there alone. Many now bury themselves in their phone, or pretend to look interested at a poster or newspaper.
But then you find your people. It only takes one – you lock eyes, smile at each other, you immediately start to feel relief. And then you relax. You’ve got so much to talk about. Now that you are with your tribe. Now that you feel belonging.
Remember this when a new person joins your team.
Create connection.
Build a path to belonging.
Great team cultures intentionally build connection for newcomers.
If someone is joining your team, assign a team member to bring them to lunch. Be sure that new comer starts building that connection right away. Help them join the tribe.
And actually, a newcomer needs three people:
- Social mentor
- Team leader
- Technical mentor
Recall the opening definition:
“A group of people connected to each other, a leader, and an idea.”
– Seth Godin, Tribes.
The social mentor says “here is where you hang your coat, here is the bathroom, here is the cafeteria, here is the bar.” This is a pure, personal connection. This starts the connection with each other.
The team leader says “Here is an assignment. Here is why this is important. This is what good looks like. These are the resources available to you.” Notice we introduce the assignment and connect it to the idea – the infinite goal.
The technical mentor says “Here is how we consistently take assignments like this and do them really well. Here is how we use these resources.”
These roles can be combined into fewer than 3 people, but all three rolls need to be executed.
Which one do I start with?
The social mentor. The social mentor is the most important first connection. If you wait too long to build a personal connection, things get awkward and the activation enegy for connection goes up.
I’ll end with one more thought.
Friendship and cohesion both lead to tribes.
But cohesion and friendship differ in purpose and scope.
Cohesion focuses on trust, respect, and collaboration to achieve shared goals. Friendship emphasizes emotional connection and personal support.
Cohesion requires professional boundaries and mutual accountability, fostering alignment and teamwork. Friendship, though optional, can enhance cohesion if it doesn’t create exclusivity or conflict.
High-performing teams rely on cohesion to succeed, regardless of personal relationships among members.
Robert Greene wrote an interesting work called The 48 Laws of Power. He is a modern day Machiavelli in many ways, and his book stirs a lot of debate in me.
Hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove.
In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies.
If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.
Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
Surely nobody would make enemies just to hire them. I don’t suggest we interpret Greene literally. But I think it’s useful to make a distinction.
He continues:
Friends often agree on things in order to avoid an argument. They cover up their unpleasant qualities so as to not offend each other. They laugh extra hard at each other’s jokes.
Since honesty rarely strengthens friendship, you may never know how a friend truly feels.
Friends will say that they love your poetry, adore your music, envy your taste in clothes—maybe they mean it, often they do not.
When you decide to hire a friend, you gradually discover the qualities he or she has kept hidden. Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness that unbalances everything.
- Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power
“Honesty rarely strengthens friendship.” Teams need honesty.
The X Factor is full of people who could have used some honesty.
This is what Greene is talking about – rarely is friendship enhanced by honesty. Someone has been lying to this “singer” for a long time! We need to set high standards and give each other feedback to meet them.
But rather than hire enemies to give us honesty, build cohesion.
Cohesion is built the same way as friendship: gesture by gesture.
And it start with kindness.
“We cannot tell the precise moment when a friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one which makes the heart run over.”
– Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
Replace that single instance of friendship with cohesion and we get:
“We cannot tell the precise moment when a cohesion is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one which makes the heart run over.”