Resilience /ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s/, noun: 1: the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress (like a rubber band). 2: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.
Resilience is an important component of mental health. – Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Part 3: Collective Resilience, Embracing Imperfection and Strengthening Relationships
In this final chapter, I’ll talk about Collective Resilience.
Collective resilience is the ability of human beings to adapt and collectively cope with crises in adversity. The output of collective resilience is maintaining cohesion between the group’s members, and their ability to solve the problems at hand.
Principle 1: Accept Imperfection
We are all flawed people trying to collaborate to make a perfect life and a perfect product.
Do not expect perfection from yourself. Give yourself grace. Keep striving to be the best version of you.
Now that you have given yourself grace, afford grace to others. They are also imperfect. They are doing their best.
Even the professionals struggle managing their emotions.
My favorite Pixar movie is called “Inside Out”. The characters are the emotions in a young girl’s head: Anger, Fear, Disgust, Sadness, and the star – Joy. As someone who started learning these concepts in my late 30’s, this film has been an important introduction to Emotional Intelligence for my children.
Dr Paul Ekman is an adviser on that film. He is an emotion researcher who has continued the studies Charles Darwin started in his 1872 book “The Expression of Emotions in Man and Animals.”
The Dalai Lama has written several books including “The Art of Happiness”, “The Book of Joy”, and “Beyond Religion: Ethics for a Modern World.”
These guys are professionals.
Dr Paul Ekman and The Dalai Lama had a conversation in 2008 which was compiled into a book called “Emotional Awareness”. In it Ekman describes a scenario where someone is blocking a street you are walking down. You’ve got some suitcases making it difficult to get around him. You say “Pardon me” and he replies “What’s your problem?!”. You could respond with anger, but that will make things worse. A constructive response may be to engage in empathy – he’s having a bad day, and by showing sympathy to his trouble we can deescalate the situation.
But here’s the thing. Ekman concludes with:
“It’s a tall order; I do not know if I would be capable of it.”
The Dalai Lama replies:
“Yes”
Knowing this, give yourself grace
I find it comforting Ekman and The Dalai Lama agree how difficult this is to do every time. We should celebrate when we do this well and hold on to the calm feeling that proceeds.
Use that as a beacon to aspire to, do our best to get back there often.
But give ourselves grace when we don’t.
And give others grace when they don’t.
It is possible. It is hard. And it is worth it.
Principle 2: Make and accept repair attempts
Connection /kə-ˈnek-shən/ noun. People with whom one has social or professional contact or to whom one is related, especially those with influence and able to offer one help. – Oxford English Dictionary
Connection cannot exist without disconnection. Disconnection is an unavoidable occurrence whenever there is connection.
Sometimes these disconnections are small – like a misunderstanding. Sometimes they are large – like a full on argument.
If a disconnection is addressed and repaired quickly, the connection is left stronger than before the disconnection.
This is why it’s important to learn to make and accept repair attempts.
This is easier since we’ve just admitted to ourselves that we are imperfect. Which has made it easy to accept the imperfections of the other. To draw on one of my favorite team rules:
“Afford everyone the assumption of best efforts and best intentions.”
Separate the person from the issue – by refraining from personal attacks, we can focus on the goals we are aligned on.
A successful repair makes the connection stronger than it was before the disconnection.
A successful repair restores Psychological Safety.
Principle 3: Fail faster, repair often
“Your future can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control.” – Dr John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
When we experiment, we fail. When we fail, and reflect we learn. When we can create an environment which allows us to fail fast and learn quickly, we can avoid major failures and the emotional blow-outs these can lead to.
The Dalai Lama and Paul Ekman collaborated on The Atlas of Emotions. I learned about this from a TSA agent at a Washington DC airport who noticed a book I had under my arm. I feel lucky to have found this wonderful tool and I pass it on to you.
In the Atlas, they show a spectrum of “Anger” from the least intense “Annoyance” through Frustration, Exasperation, Argumentativeness, Bitterness, Vengefulness, and finally Fury.
A component of resilience is recognizing this spectrum. And repair quickly and often before the relationship damage becomes irreparable.
In this environment, you don’t really make fewer mistakes, they are of smaller magnitude because you’re always testing. And because they are smaller they are easier to repair.
Repair tool 1: Empathy
A facial expression may reveal an emotion, but it does not reveal the source. If you see someone angry, it may be because of you, but it also may not be. It requires inquiry.
Ekman has a simple Empathy process:
Step 1️. Emotional Recognition: Identify what the other is feeling. Name the emotion.
Step 2️. Emotional Resonance: This means you understand how the emotion feels. You’ve surely experienced it before, though you don’t feel it in the moment.
Step 3️. Find a compassionate response: Compassion is an active state. If the other is suffering, a compassionate act would be aimed at relieving the suffering.
Remember to not assume a negative emotion was caused by you.
Daniel Goleman describes three types of Empathy, each uses a different part of the brain.
1. Cognitive Empathy
- You can read how the other person thinks.
- This enables you to speak in their language.
2️. Emotional Empathy
- You can read how the other person feels
Empathy types 1 & 2 help us build marketing/advertising that attract customers.
But without this third type, our intentions can self-serving:
3️. Empathic concern
- You also care about the other person
Empathy type 3️, combined with types 1️ & 2️ also mean we create win-win solutions that solve our customer’s problems resulting in long partnerships
Actively engage in these states, and help others do the same to create an environment or resilience.
Repair tool 2: Apology
The apology puts the brakes on the progression from annoyance to fury when you get off on the wrong foot.
It smooths ruffled feathers. It deescalates tension.
Don’t procrastinate the apology. I have often overplanned my apologies, trying to get the wording perfect, often disguising excuses in the apology. But the measure of an apology is it’s acceptance.
When I first read Gottman’s brilliant book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I thought his on Repair extended directly to teams. I encourage you to adopt a boundary-less mindset, and accept ideas from fields that seem unrelated. He has How-To-Apologize guide here.
We have admitted to our imperfection. We should also recognize our apologies may be imperfect. And when you receive an imperfect apology, lean towards accepting it.
Repair tool 3: Be a Good Apple
Daniel Coyle describes a single Bad Apple can spoil collaboration in a team. But a single, skilled, Good Apple can restore safety. Here’s a link to his blog post.
In summary, lower the temperature, practice active listening, ensure everyone in the group has a voice.
Principle 4: Alignment and Shared Purpose
Tying it all together in a story
Something very powerful occurs when we are aligned on a shared goal. It gives us objective context for our disagreements.
Just like in the Negotiation Framework, we can separate the issue from the person, and argue the issue.
My wife and I established a goal to go on a vacation in October.
We are aligned on that goal.
I want to go to the mountains. She wants to go to the beach. We’ve got some work to do to build a solution that satisfies both.
If I attack her: “You’re impossible! You always want to go to the beach!” I’m driving a wedge between us that will damage the relationship, ruin the vacation planning and the vacation itself. When I behave this way, I am violating psychological safety.
“Psychological safety describes a belief that neither the formal nor informal consequences of interpersonal risks, like asking for help or admitting a failure, will be punitive.” Amy Edmondson, The Fearless Organization
If I separate the issue from the person, I might say “What do you like about the beach so much?”. By not putting either of us into interpersonal pain, by looking at the objective disagreement itself, I am creating space to find common ground.
This is so easy to extend to a team with a common goal.
If my imperfection gets the best of me I start with “You’re impossible” and then catch myself, I can start a repair “I’m sorry, you know how much I love the mountains. I know how much you love the beach. I’ve enjoyed many beach vacations, but it can be hard for me to put it into words. What is it about the beach you like so much? ”
We’ve been married for 14 years, my wife knows I’m imperfect. This knowledge makes her more likely to accept my imperfect repair attempt.
She has empathic concern for me. Her offering me grace makes our relationship stronger.
And it allows us to get back into our discussion:
“I like the beach because she can feel warm and relaxed, and the kids can go swimming.“
I have not yet learned how to swim, I don’t crave the beach. I like the mountains because I like the outdoors, I like to hike which I find is relaxing. But if I’m willing to explore the intent beyond my position, I may see that I can relax in the outdoors, walking on the beach. I actually do like being in the water, I forget this until I do it.
Call to action
Reflect on a recent disconnection in a relationship. How can you initiate repair and strengthen that connection?
Review Part 1 – Personal Resilience
Review Part 2 – Professional Resilience
3 thoughts on “Collective Resilience: Elevating High-Performing Teams to New Heights”